Between a Piedra and a hard place

This Sunday started out like any other. There were fights and whining and tears and we worked to get 6 people through the shower, dressed, and breakfasted before church. (for the record I neither fought, whined, or cried. Actually I went about my business and then sat on my bed and read for a half hour) Anyway. Church was the same as always, worship was loud and boisterous with lots of flag waving. Then the pastor started to speak at which point I began to day dream. It’s a bad habit I know but this pastor speaks loudly, quickly, and uses a lot of slang without a lot of Bible verses to keep me from getting lost. But then the pastor had to leave early so he had arranged for 2 other pastors to speak after him (you need 3 pastors to fill a 2.5 hour church service) so those two came up and both spoke slower and with lots of Bible verses so I was able to follow a bit better which made me happy. After church we walked for about 30 minutes around La Sabana park to get to the bus stop (it would only take about 10 minutes if I was by myself but well there’s nothing quite like a leisurely tican stroll after church…even when everybody is complaining they are hungry. Anywho we got home and the boys plopped down in front of the tv. Mama China my host mom got to work in the kitchen and I went to my bedroom and read the book I had been reading before church. We ate lunch mostly peacefully but when Emanuel and Emily started fighting about who got to drink the juice at the bottom of the salad bowl I decided I just couldn’t take another 6 and 9 year old whining match and so I went to my room and closed the door. Deciding to be utterly selfish and spend the day on me time rather than watching TV or hanging out with the family. I started out my Me time by finishing the book I was reading “The Glass Castle” by Jeannette Walls a fascinating memoir that I borrowed from my old study abroad professor. Then I decided it would be a delightful time to take a nap. Well I laid down to nap and aside from the blinding afternoon sun which was streaming in the window and onto my eyes, I just couldn’t get my brain to shut off. You see from today I am a meager 106 days away from being home and I don’t know what I’m doing when I get there. And no I don’t have a countdown going I needed to see how far over my visa I will be when I return to the states to make sure I won’t get in too much trouble if I get caught (every 90 days I have to leave the country)…in case you’re wondering I’ll only be 10 days over so I’m not too worried. So I figured what’s the next best thing to do by myself that isn’t reading (I’m saving my last book for my trip to Nicaragua Thursday) and isn’t sleeping which just isn’t going to happen today. Well about the only other entertainment source I have is my faithful laptop. And so I pulled it out and decided to jot down some of my bajillion thoughts so that they aren’t still bouncing around in my mind when I go to sleep tonight.

Well what came out was 3 single spaced pages of questions and thoughts and reflections and absolutely no answers. Part of the problem is that I’m not one of those people who has felt a call since they were 6 to be a missionary and thus I’m not positive if it is meant to be a long term thing for me. Another part of the problem is that I feel incredibly useful here. Sometimes to the point of being overwhelmed with responsibilities but still it’s great to feel needed. And every time I think about having to say goodbye to all the people of La Carpio and my host family I start hoping the 106 days will drag on forever. Then there is the whole teaching question. I am teaching right now and am being challenged as a teacher more than I expected to be here but do I want to continue teaching the way I am without boundaries and with my own agenda but also with limited resources or do I want to teach in a more traditional school setting. (one of millions of questions I don’t have concrete answers to). And then there is the ever popular question of Where in this world will I end up? And world literally means world in my case as I am always open to the idea of travel (almost always anyway).

And so as I sat there, pondering the future I don’t have any answers to. I thought of one word. Trust.

It all boils down to Trust. If I really and truly trust God with my life then I don’t need to have the answers. He will always take care of me.

And perhaps he isn’t calling me to anything greater than Trusting Him at the moment.

And thus my decision to not make any decisions. At least for now. I am going to pour myself into my time here in CR, savoring every minute, and I’m going to trust that God will let me know what my next move is in his own sweet time. And so alas my day planner my host family bought me for Christmas (they know me too well) shall remain empty beyond May 14^th (the day I get home) with a few minor exceptions like the ever important date of Becca’s high school graduation J

SO…to those of you who may be just as curious as I am about what the future holds for me. The answer is I have no idea but I know I don’t have to figure it out in the next 106 days. (also if you’re every chatting with me and I begin to fret about the future please remind me of my little blog here and how its not in my hands anyway.)

And so to all of you who have no idea what you’re doing with the rest of your life and to those of you who know exactly what you are doing for the rest of your life. Enjoy each day. Or as the soccer team would say Carpe Diem. And Trust that it’s all in God’s hands anyway.

Love you all!

God Bless.

KT.