So last night we had a piyamada…a PJ party at the Refuge in Carpio. It was for the girls from the institute where I teach math as well as for the girls from the Saturday program (youth group basically) that I sometimes help out with. Well to be perfectly honest I was dreading it the whole week. I pictured 30 plus girls screaming and ignoring the leaders, which often happens at youth group. Well as usual I was wrong (and I believe God is trying to get me to wake up and not be such a crab about activities out of my comfort zone). The pj party ended up being a lot of fun and what I would consider a huge success. It was also an eye opener for me. You would think that after 7 months (to the day) of being here I would not be having so many aha! Moments but well apparently I’m still learning.
So eye opener #1 was this:
We watched the movie Precious. Definitely not G rated. Filled with swear words I more or less hadn’t heard in 7 months (we only had it in English with Spanish sub titles…great for me, rough on the girls) and with incredibly tough to deal with situations. It’s a story based on the real life stories of girls in Harlem who have suffered verbal, physical, and sexual abuse. Who have been told their whole lives they are worthless and dumb and will never amount to anything. Girls who have been kicked out of traditional schools and have been labeled doomed. Well the girl in this story…despite set backs that would make most people shut down and be unreachable…keeps pressing on. She gets in an alternative school and gets more or less a hold on her life and on the lives of her 2 kids who are products of rape. Like I said it’s not an easy movie to watch. And afterwards we asked the girls if the movie exaggerated or not…they said no. it was realistic. And that is what opened my eyes yet again. Praise the lord not all of the girls at youth group have that sort of home situation but one girl there has a daughter who is a product of rape. Others if not physical abuse certainly feel verbal abuse in their homes. Many of my math students came to the first day of class saying they couldn’t do anything, they were awful at math, etc. And not all of that comes from failing out of public school here or dropping out for one reason or another. Much of it comes from teachers, parents, classmates saying you will never amount to anything…and then they believe it.
Which leads to eye opener #2:
Math at the institute was not exactly a cake walk. The girls had no self confidence. Which made many of them lash out at anyone around…easy target? The gringa who doesn’t understand slang and swear words so she can’t punish them. Sometimes the disrespect was overwhelming, even though I didn’t understand word for word I am not oblivious enough to not realize when I am being ridiculed. So it was a tough 5 months with a mobility rate that would rival the worst public school in the states. My class started with 5 students, at its peak it had 10, in the end I had 3 students only 1 of which was there from the beginning. I often asked myself why on earth the girls even bothered to come to class when some refused to come to the board (b/c of embarrassment), when others missed 2 out of 4 days of class each week, when they rarely did their homework unless I bribed them with cookies the next day, and when one would intentionally miss any day we had a quiz because of her intense test anxiety. To me it was a challenge at best and a frustrating thorn in my flesh at worst. And then we had this pj party. The girls had just finished testing that day and they all brought their tests to be graded so they wouldn’t have to wait for results. I graded them and confirmed what I already knew…none of them passed. A blow to my ego? Sure, but not surprising. But that wasn’t the eye opener either. This was my last time to be together with all the girls at the institute and so they said their goodbyes to me. And as they were saying it two of my math girls teared up. One was a girl who literally never did a homework assignment and in the end didn’t even take the test, she rarely talked, and would cover her paper every time I went to look at her class work. The other was the side kick of the ring leader who was constantly making fun of me. A bright girl but with low self esteem and with problems with alcohol. They made life rough. And now I am leaving and they tear up and express their appreciation for all I did for them.
God is at work here. Despite me. He is at work. In my life and in the lives of my students. And so with a zero percent pass rate in my first high school class taught in Spanish I am opening my eyes and celebrating how far we have come in five months.
1. That’s the number of times Lesbia came to the board to work a math problem during the months she was in my class. That day you couldn’t have erased the smile off my face if you tried. She came to the board. God has installed at least a tiny bit of confidence in her. Also at the piyamada she participated in a group game. Grudgingly and half heartedly but she did it! She got a 43% on her final exam, I like to think that perhaps she has 43% more confidence than when she entered my class. And just to clarify that is all God’s doing. Goodness knows I wanted to give up many times but God was at work.
2. Yendry. Always bright but easily led astray and struggling with alcohol. She would constantly help the other girls on their problems when they didn’t understand. I thanked her and told her she might make a good teacher some day. She got a 34% on the exam. I am praying that this number directly translates into her feeling of self worth…that she thinks 34% more highly of herself than when she did when she walked into my classroom. Again God’s doing.
3. Jessica. The mom in the group. And a darn good one at that. She is 19 and has an adorable 2 year old daughter named Brianna. At home they ask her why are you studying? That’s pointless. You should be at home or working. She defies them and keeps coming. She is incredibly bright but missed half of the semester before she enrolled at the institute. She is fighting against the pressure at home and told me today she plans to continue working at the institute. She is going to keep struggling, keep studying, and hopefully create a better future for her daughter. She scored a 49% on the test. Highest grade in the class. And though disappointed she said okay that’s better than I did the first time…I’ll take the class again, pass, and keep going. God is painting a bright future for her.
4. Judith. Lesbia’s silent side kick. She was one I often wondered why on earth she came to class. She didn’t take the exam because she knew she wouldn’t pass but by the end of the class she was answering questions out loud and didn’t shut down when she got it wrong. She is becoming less afraid to fail. And she was one who teared up when we said goodbye. God is at work here. Despite me.
26 days left and God is still opening my eyes to my real purpose here. Not to teach math, not to “win souls for Christ” –since God is the only one who can win a soul anyway--. I was sent here to have my eyes opened. And to learn how to love the difficult ones. And though more stressful in the end it is far more rewarding to know that if nothing else the girls had someone to believe in them and love on them…not perfectly but the best I know how.
My prayer? That my eyes will never again be shut but that I will rejoice in the struggles since they are what mold me into the person God has desired me to be since the beginning.
God is at work here.
Amen.
KT
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